I don’t know if it’s just that I am sort of in the beauty industry, or the blogging world or if it’s just that I spend time on social media but I feel like I’m battling certain things fairly often. I’ve talked about insecurities and comparing myself before but I feel like I need the reminder/pep talk on how to handle it pretty regularly. Mostly because I have bad habits. Bad ways of dealing with my insecurities and feelings of being not good enough that are knee jerk reactions, that I’m actually pretty ashamed of myself for so it’s hard to admit. But for me it always helps to identify my bad habits and replace them with better alternatives. I decided since it was on my mind I might as well share my strategies in case anyone else was (or sometimes is) feeling the same way.
When I start comparing myself to someone who I believe is more successful/talented/beautiful/better at life…whatever.
Habit: Look for flaws in them.
Why it doesn’t help: Sure blaming photoshop might give me a temporary feeling of relief but that only further instills the idea that “it’s OK as long as I’m winning” which sets me up for future disappointment.
Instead: Try my best to remind myself that we are all on the same side! If (whoever) is doing good that is awesome! I’m rooting for her! I can find ways to feel solidarity and even take some time to encourage her or share that I think she’s really amazing.
It’s also not the worst idea to take a break from keeping tabs on people that trigger this response in me. If I find I’m only following someone on instagram so I can be jealous of them every time they post, that’s not doing anyone any good and I kindly remove them from my feed.
Bad Habit #2: Finding someone else who is I can compare myself to who might be doing worse than me in that area.
Why it doesn’t help: Here again I’m only feeling better for a moment because by finding someone who’s “losing” the focus is still on winning. And if life’s a game and someone’s losing…it’s bound to be me next time and then I’ll have to start all over again. Vicious cycle.
instead: Finding someone who needs help who I can serve in some way. In this case it does help remind me that I’m not the only one with problems (which pulls me out of my box) which is for me a positive thing. I can help them and that reminds me that I have something to offer that is good. Which makes me feel good without comparing myself to anything.
When I start feeling down or bad about myself.
Bad Habit: Buying something I can’t afford. Eating something fattening. Or something else with instant gratification that will give me a high + a crash.
Why it doesn’t really help:Have I mentioned temporary relief yet? Yeah. Except with this one I’ll probably be left with the same feeling I had to begin with + guilt which is totally not favorite.
Instead: I do see a need to take a break, enjoy myself and think about something else. I’d just prefer it’s something I’m still going to feel good about after word. Like go on a walk/hike/swim. Go to lunch with a girlfriend. GO on a date with my husband. Work on a hobby. Accomplish a goal. Watch a comedy. DO something new and refreshing and out of my comfort zone. Anything that will press the “reset” button.
Bad Habit #2: Trying to convince myself that I don’t care that (insert whatever it is here: I gained weight, my bank account is crap, I’m not good enough. I’m not feeling pretty.) .
Why it doesn’t really help: because I’m just lying to myself I DO CARE. Saying I don’t care is a lie and since I’m compelled to see through the lie (being the person who’s telling the lie and everything) It’s just pointless.
Instead:Remind myself that (blank) does not define my worth. Perhaps I did gain 5lbs but my weight does not define my worth. I remind myself of that often and it does help because I’m not lying. I know that I might need to make changes. To eat healthier or budget better…whatever it is and that’s ok because in the meantime I’m not letting myself get discouraged because making mistakes or having flaws does not make me unworthy of love & happiness and that’s just a fact:)
Hopefully some of you relate to some of this, I hesitated posting it because I’m always working on it and it’s definitely not something I’m even close to mastering. It helps me to share with you guys because you’re so compassionate and supportive and I always find much more wisdom in your comments than in mine.
56 Comments
Jacqueline
September 11, 2015 at 4:41 amHi beautiful Cara, I have been following your blog for a while now and felt the need to comment finally. Firstly, as a mum (of 3 kids under 5) and business owner myself I am constantly impressed with the content you produce. Your honesty around issues like this is very refreshing. I believe we all battle with these things, the fact that you can recognise and share your learnings shows how strong a character you are. I am super impressed with your makeup line and can not wait to purchase very soon. Love all of your stories. You have an ace blog and I look forward to watching your beautiful future unfold abd hope you continue for many years to come. You will always be successful, I’m sure you know that. Jac x
Julie Paolillo
September 11, 2015 at 5:21 amThanks for posting Cara!! I love your blog because you seem so down to earth and real!! You are a gem and I’ve learned a lot from you about makeup and fashion– you have a gift
Meri Waldron
September 11, 2015 at 5:23 amI literally just had this conquering negativity self realization moment. I think we are growing up 🙂
Lindsey
September 11, 2015 at 5:25 amWhat a beautiful, brave post. I have never commented on a post before until now, but I truly want to thank you for being so open and honest. Reading this started my day on such a happy note!
LaDana Carter
September 11, 2015 at 5:51 amThanks Cara! You are the ONLY Blog I follow and I always love it. You are a great role model and always so positive. I just lost my mom and you remind me of her precious heart! Very angelic!
We are all blessed to have you in our lives.
Have a wonderful weekend.
( PS Dieting right now to get off post trauma weight and this blog really helped with that- I am amazing at any wieght!)
Xoxo
LaDana
Sasha
September 11, 2015 at 6:54 amThanks so much, Cara. Very well written and inspiring post!
Amanda Nicole
September 11, 2015 at 7:13 amThank you for being so honest with your readers. This post was very helpful for me. I’ve been working on *choosing* my emotions rather than going with the default (which is usually stress or anxiety or something not great that isn’t preferable). We have the power to choose how we feel, but it’s tough to retrain your thinking! Your post is a great example and brightened my day!
Beth
September 11, 2015 at 7:27 amI love this post! Thank you for being so honest and encouraging.
Emily Fox
September 11, 2015 at 7:55 amAnd this post is a perfect example of why I let you begin every morning with me 🙂 You’re simply my favorite. I choose you…because YOU help me find the best ME time and again. Thanks, Cara!
Rachel
September 11, 2015 at 9:18 amI struggle a lot with envy and have employed many of the “bad habits” that you have. There is one girl in particular that really triggers my jealousy and subsequent disappointment in myself. I have looked for flaws in her and can find none. She appears to be perfect in every way. Sometimes looking at her instagram feed will make me cry. Her seeming perfection just magnifies my many weaknesses. I feel like such a pathetic loser in comparison. I don’t know why I torture myself with looking at her pictures! It’s embarrassing to admit how negatively social media can affect me. With my own real life friends, I try to keep it real and show my flaws/struggles instead of trying to portray a perfect image. I’d rather people find me relatable rather than intimidating. It’s a lot more enjoyable for everyone that way.
Julia
September 11, 2015 at 9:49 amThe Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.
Christina
September 11, 2015 at 9:53 amI <3 you and your courage.
Sophie Harris
September 11, 2015 at 10:05 amThank you for your honesty – & bravery 😉 As I was reading your post it felt as if I was reading a page from my journal! It’s so wonderful that you can help so many people with what you do!
Sarah
September 11, 2015 at 10:06 amThank you so much for sharing this! I needed it today of all days… These are all struggles I’ve been dealing with, and the way you so honestly address them and provide your own personal strategies to stop them is more than helpful! Thank you for everything you do for us, XOXOXOX!
Jodie Tighe
September 11, 2015 at 11:04 amCara, you just helped THOUSANDS of people with that post! I, too, really needed it today on what’s a challenging and exciting day where I’ll need self-confidence, and it helped me tremendously. Please spend a minute or two taking in how many people you help in how many different ways. You’re a treasure and we all thank you.
Ruth
September 11, 2015 at 11:20 amCara thank you for being real and sharing this with us. It really spoke to me today. I have been struggling in a lot of the same ways. I was thinking today about how short life is and how much time I waste buried in my insecurities and self-criticism. I really thank you for your words…you have encouraged me and so many others!
februaryfox
September 11, 2015 at 11:57 amHi Cara! don’t feel bad, we all do it and go through it, instagram is the worst for comparing too haha. So many flawless beautiful faces. But I also remember that everyone has their own beauty, instead of trying to compare maybe also look for the little things that you have that no one else has, even if it’s a little mole or freckle, shape of lips, type of smile, eyes, expressions, etc. All the little quirks and details that make us each unique and beautiful. <3
I enjoyed reading your post, thank you for sharing!
~Amber
http://thefebruaryfox.blogspot.com/
Tiffany
September 11, 2015 at 12:03 pmYou’re amazing and this was so timely! Thank you for being so transparent and talking about things that aren’t exactly fun to address! Great advice and much appreciated! Thanks!!
Ariadna
September 11, 2015 at 12:13 pmThank you for your honesty and sincerity, you really do help a lot of people and I know you have a loving and kind heart. I think everybody struggles with something. I myself compare the state of my house (cleanliness and tidiness) to other people’s and that’s something that I struggle with a lot. Because it all falls on me cleaning up after my husband and daughter I feel like a failure when it isn’t to my standards. It’s hard to see the positives of my home when I feel so overwhelmed by how dirty or unorganized my house is as soon as I come home from work. Another thing, I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but I don’t really look at myself in the mirror from the neck down, lol. Is that weird? Maybe. I just glance at myself to make sure nothing is out of place and I look presentable and that’s it. I don’t look the way I want to look but I noticed that I’m much harder on myself when I look in the mirror than when I don’t. I technically don’t have to see me, other people see me and if they don’t like what they see then they can look away!! 🙂
Rachel
September 11, 2015 at 12:55 pmCara you are absolutely incredible. I think we all struggle with this to a point, or at least I know that I do. I feel like the more time I spend serving others, rather than thinking about myself and what I don’t have or why I’m not good enough, I am SO much happier. It is hard and it is a process, but something that I will always work on. I am so grateful that you posted this today because it was the perfect reminder for me 🙂 Thank you so much!
Merrie Hess
September 11, 2015 at 1:06 pmThank you so much for sharing this! We all need this reminder regularly. 🙂 You are such a light, thank you for being you!
angelinaaurora
September 11, 2015 at 1:07 pmLove this post, such a great reminder to not look for “temporary” fixes (and ones that leave you feeling worse to boot!) This reminded me of a quote I found on Pinterest the other day when I was really needing it, here it is:
“You just painted the most beautiful picture you have ever painted. It is exactly what you wanted. You absolutely love it! The person you give it to constantly points out the flaws… How does that make you feel?
God is the Painter, and you are the person it has been given to.
It breaks gods heart when you constantly critize yourself, because he made you perfect. You are absolutely beautiful in his eyes.”
DaisyC
September 11, 2015 at 1:13 pmWonderful post that I could certainly relate to! Thank you Cara.
leticia justus
September 11, 2015 at 2:28 pmSuch a beautiful and timely Post . I was dealing with some stuff like this lately ( namely this last week )
And so I wrote this Post today called Be Strong -http://kingmakerblog.com/?p=2527
It’s finding out what God desires us to be . The World we live in puts so much pressure on us . But we should focus on what God desires us to Be instead . The World says be rich & skinny & perfect when God says” I want you to be a dedicated wife and be strong” . I am diving deep into seeking His approval not some else or even my own approval. That trips us up ! This so lines up with your Post here that you wrote. Thanks for sticking yourself out there . I think we find strength and burst that bad bubble when we admit our “weekness”.
blessings , leticia
susannequine
September 11, 2015 at 2:34 pmCara, I have battled those feelings of being “not good enough” all my adult life, and I’m nearly 60 now. I literally have kept myself from attending social events and even some family get-togethers because I’m fat, not smart enough, not wealthy enough, or don’t have the right clothes to wear. I’ve even been diagnosed as being bi-polar because my feelings of not fitting in were so pervasive, and was medicated for years!
But you know what? We all have insecurities, and if you talk honestly with any woman for even a few minutes, you’ll find some common ground.
Also, taking a walk cures all ills…
Jamie
September 11, 2015 at 3:04 pmLove this! Been there- still there! but I’m getting better 🙂 I find that when I encorporate TRUTHS into my thinking it makes everything so clear. Like ‘my bank account doesn’t define my worth.’ Or I love ones like ‘I choose to see myself in light and truth.’ Every person is worthy of love and joy just by being here! Everyone is a loved son or daughter of a loving God! Myself and you included. 🙂 so keep it up! You inspire me to keep trying and keep loving myself- just for being me! And not for all the ‘things’ I can do in a day. love you cara! Come do my moms makeup again so we can hang out! 😉
Chanty
September 11, 2015 at 3:34 pmthis was beautiful – I think we all need the reminder once in a while. thanks so much for sharing <3
jordanleighquinn
September 11, 2015 at 5:50 pma great reminder to start the weekend! beautiful. and incredibly relatable. thank you for sharing xo
Jenny
September 11, 2015 at 7:15 pmHi honey! I’m glad you didn’t delete this before you posted it. 🙂
Thought this post was cute and related: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/06/08/beauty-routine/
Cristina
September 11, 2015 at 9:52 pmI’m so glad you posted this. It is such a great reminder that its okay to be yourself. The good & the bad. Somethings will get worse & somethings will get better. I think it’s the important stuff that gets better.
Tara
September 11, 2015 at 11:10 pmWe all struggle with this in some form. I think that you who are “in the industry” and have online businesses might be bombarded with it more, though. I have the luxury of being able to really limit screen time and I find I don’t think of the Perfect Lives Of People With Blogs because I’m not surrounded by it anymore. It’s much more freeing and totally worth the annoyance of setting a timer and once my screen time is up, the screen shuts down. (Again, you might not be able to do that because this is your livelihood.) Just wanted to throw out that tip that’s worked for me.
kara zalsman
September 12, 2015 at 7:20 amI LOVE your blog, Cara (it’s the only blog I follow)! You keep it real and I appreciate that!!!
Jacquie
September 12, 2015 at 8:23 pmI so identified. Thank you for sharing
makeupwithakAK
September 12, 2015 at 8:30 pmThis is such an amazing post. I truly enjoyed reading it. https://makeupwithak.wordpress.com Xoxo
Ciji Sampson
September 12, 2015 at 9:44 pmGreat post Cara! Major props to you for being so honest, I’m sure it isn’t always easy to do with the public. You rock! Love us girl!
-Ciji
ahsknaka
September 12, 2015 at 9:46 pmLoved your post. It makes a lot of sense.
x https://ahsknaka.wordpress.com/
Alyaka | Ellis Faas
September 13, 2015 at 9:26 amWhat a beautiful and inspiring post, thanks for sharing! Your message makes a lot of sense. It is really important to stay away from the negative and just focus on what’s positive. Your thoughts reflect on your look and it will really create outstanding improvements by just driving away from negativity.
Lauren
September 14, 2015 at 10:58 amCara, you’re beautiful and talented!!! I often find myself envying you! I love all your posts!! I wish I lived near you so we could be friends. You’re great!
Tauni West
September 14, 2015 at 12:14 pmThis is one of the best posts I have ever read. So honest. I think we can all identify with this! Thank you for sharing!
Lara’s Links: Monday | Lara Schulte
September 14, 2015 at 1:49 pm[…] Breaking Bad Habits (Maskara) […]
Kim
September 17, 2015 at 11:25 pmWow! You really spoke to me with this one! So needed to hear this!
Amanda Brown
September 22, 2015 at 6:03 pmI’m almost 40 and STILL beat myself up, emotionally and mentally. Thank you for posting this. I need to break my habits too.
Elisha
September 24, 2015 at 8:45 pmI’ve been following your blog since you won the Allure beauty blogger award a couple years back, and really admire your career and what you’ve accomplished. As an aspiring makeup artist myself, it’s easy to look at you and think “man, she’s got it made!” But we all have insecurities, and it’s good to remember that we’re all in the same boat there.
Lara’s Links: Monday | A Growth Guide
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Ethan
November 21, 2020 at 2:15 pmTo stop following habits that worsen the quality of life in the broad sense, you need to identify the reasons for the actions (people chew on their nails or smoke because of stress). By identifying and eliminating the cause, it will be much easier to get rid of the bad habit. My friends got the best treatment here.