My Life

Mean Girls.

I am a girls, girl.
I love us.
Seriously, we are so rad.
Sometimes I hear girls complaining about each other. It’s generally based around them  being drama or catty or gossipy. Now, I am not saying that there isn’t ever any truth to that or that the girls who say that don’t have good reasons for feeling that way. Skiddish stuff can happen and sometimes it has catty-gosspiy-dramaholic girls written all over it.

Here’s the thing though, I don’t think it is because girls are mean. In fact that is one of the things I love most about them is that they are SO kind. One piece of evidence to back me up on that is only 10% of all murders in history were commited by a women! This tells me that we don’t really like killing people, which means we must like other people a fair amount, right?
Anyway I am getting off course (as usual) What I am getting at is that I think most of the other BS is based around one main thing.

Good old fashioned jealousy.
We get jealous.
Which makes sense. We are all trying so dang hard to be perfect in so many ways and it seems like every time we turn around SOMEONE is doing it better!
Someone looks better, works harder, has more money, has better behaved kids or a nicer kept house or whatever it is.The only way you are gonna feel better is to find out what they really suck at. Or to decide that their just faking it.
You gotta level the playing field somehow, then you’ll feel better right?
Well, that’s kind of the problem,
tearing them down really doesn’t make you feel better at all.
It might for a moment give you a small sigh of relief that, in fact, you aren’t losing in the race of life, but negativity never did bring anyone happiness. It grows and seeps into other areas of your life.  Plus, you really have to open your heart to the idea that your thoughts aren’t as private as you may think. Sometimes when you are judging someone they can feel it from ten feet away without you saying a word. Then they’ll probably feel insecure which means they feel the need to judge you and so on…

So wanted to tell you guys an ACTUAL true story, at the risk of embarrassing myself…for the sake of being open and honest about my own green eyed monster and what I have learned to do when he rears his ugly head, things that helped me profoundly in my life and in my relationships with women.
Here goes:
I don’t know if you guys have heard of thebarefootblonde? (If not. you are missing out, she has an AMAZING fashion/beauty/life blog HERE) anyway, she is SICKNINGLY gorgeous, talented, sweet funny… you know, the works.


I know.
When I first saw her blog I couldn’t even handle it.
How does someone just be that perfect? I could never be that perfect.
I am so ashamed to say that I started trying to find flaws.
Which proved to be almost impossible.
I have been through this before so this time I caught my jealousy in it’s early stages.
Which is step one.
Admit you are a little jealous. This takes a A BUNCH of pride swallowing and seems really hard, but once you do it it’s SUCH a relief.
Trust me.
I admitted to myself “Hey cara, you are completely jealous of barefootblonde
and you know it.” …but don’t stop there…
Figure out why and learn from it. You have to figure out what you’re actually insecure about and usually it amounts to nothing. In this case:
OK, she’s really pretty. What could her being so pretty possibly do to threaten me? Is there a pretty contest going on and I have my money on someone else? Nope?
Exactly, next step (this is the best one)
Get on their TEAM! It’s really hard to be jealous of someone when you are rooting for them. All it takes is a simple shift of focus. Rather than feeling like I was in competition with Amber (that’s her name) I realized we are actually on the same team and there is so much I really like, admire and have to learn from her!
There is nothing I have to gain from her being any less amazing. In fact I have so much to gain from her amazingness! I have her beauty and ideas to inspire me and when you are on someones side you get to celebrate their successes too! You get to breathe in some of that positivity yourself!
You might have to work at it in the beginning, but after a while it becomes second nature.
I get so excited when I see a photo of her looking beautiful or when she has an amazing post. And positivity grows just like negativity does, so I am sure that feeling spills over in ways I don’t even know about.
Finally, use this experience to help you in the future. 
From now on when jealousy or negativity is being unnecessarily thrown your direction you’ll understand that it’s most likely not motivated by meanness, just insecurity.
So feel a some compassion and move on.
Because hey, you’ve been there.

P.S. I am so not trying to say I am the expert on this or that I have mastered it. I have just  found admitting my stuff and what I learned from it helps me so much and I find out a lot of other women feel the same way, so if you have made other discoveries on the subject or if you need to get your jealousy moment out in the open  PLEASE share!

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229 Comments

  • Reply
    Courtney
    August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Dear Cara,
    Thank you so much for today’s post. It was just what I needed to hear. And I LOVED the steps you gave us girls to follow. So helpful! Now every time I feel I am starting to judge I can follow these steps and become a better, more genuine person. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s nice to hear someone admit the jealousy and share their success story from it. Thank you thank you thank you!

  • Reply
    Brandi
    August 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Love this Cara! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story!

  • Reply
    Brandi
    August 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Oh…and yes…you and “Barefoot Blonde” are both gorgeous ladies 🙂

  • Reply
    Randi
    August 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    You are so wonderful. I am so glad that i can call you sister! I struggle with this somedays! This is such great advice, and so true!

  • Reply
    Jessie
    August 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Preach, sister! So much truth here! I’m still learning every day not to let my own insecurities keep me from enjoying other girls for their awesomeness without being threatened. But we all have something amazing to bring to the table. I love that you’re an example of being beautiful and smart and above all, NOT MEAN. You’re a stereotype buster, lady. Thanks for reminding us how to keep that envy in check.

  • Reply
    monicaB
    August 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    I really like this post. This is a lesson I try to instill on my 5 year old. It is really great to see a someone who I am sure has many other girls jealous of her talk about her insecurities and faults…just another way to show that we are all the same…and we should lift each other up, and grow from each other. Thank you!

  • Reply
    Lauren
    August 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    You are so amazing yourself I cannot imagine you ever being of jealous of anyone else because you seem to have it all together! But thanks for sharing because it’s good to know this is something we all are working on.

  • Reply
    Celeste
    August 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Boy, you have such a way of putting wisdom into witty and wonderful words. Thank you for this post. It makes getting over insecurity and jealousy sound a whole lot more fun than I ever thought. You always make things sound more fun than I ever thought they could be. Good to have such a sister as you!

    • Reply
      erin McAdams
      August 31, 2012 at 7:11 am

      totally agree

  • Reply
    Jessica
    August 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    I have to admit I have also found myself trying to find flaws in barefoot blonde. She just seems so awesomely amazing. Thanks for this post. Definitely going to put it to good use next time I feel a bit of jealousy coming on.

  • Reply
    KathyEmma
    August 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    I couldn’t have put it better myself! What a great post. 🙂 Thank you for being honest and real. It’s funny, because the past week or so I have been thinking about how much I judge people without even realizing it until after the fact. Like when I meet someone and think to myself “that is so not how I thought they would be” in a good way. Well in order to have that thought, I must have made a unconscious judgement to the contrary! You hit the nail on the head- we are not mean, we are insecure. And I don’t think being strong is NOT having the insecurities, it’s making the effort to overcome them and live well, despite them. Now that takes some dang strength!

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    August 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Ohhhh this is so great! Made me laugh because you’re right, we’ve all been there. While you’re jealous of barefootblonde, there’s I’m sure about 100 of YOUR readers, including myself, who are jealous of YOU! I’m sure it’s quite common in the blog world, where everyone shares their hobbies and passions so it’s easy to pity yourself, and envy what they’ve got. Thanks for sharing this =)

  • Reply
    Maribeth
    August 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Great post! I think of all women belonging to a big sisterhood. We need to back each other and help each other out in this crazy world. Getting rid of our jealousy towards one another would be such a great step for everyone. You are a beautiful awesome lady inside and out!

  • Reply
    amie mendenhall
    August 24, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Love her blog, but I really love reading yours. You are funny, and always have good tips. I’m more into hair than makeup, but I always read your posts! I agree, it’s hard not to be jealous! You should also read another awesome blog thedaybookblog.com. She has awesome style and really lets be honest, you two would be great friends.

  • Reply
    Sophie
    August 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Great post! I love barefoot blonde’s blog. I agree that it’s easy to be jealous of her! I don’t waste my time with jealousy though and I really make a point to not tear down other people. I love to be inspired by other people though!

  • Reply
    Andrea
    August 24, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    I totally have the jealousy problem, and sometimes it’s with you honey! You are gorgeous and don’t you ever forget it! You just have to remember that most of the time you are only seeing the best of the best of someone’s life on their blog. I’m the same way, only people I know (for the most part) look at my blog and I still don’t usually post bad things!
    I got curious and went and checked out her blog, and you’re right she is cute and seems awesome. But I noticed a post she did back in June about this same thing, so funny! Great minds think alike 🙂

  • Reply
    Tanya
    August 25, 2012 at 1:09 am

    I find that the older I get ( I’m 35), the less jealous I feel in all situations, and the more awesome I feel about myself. When I see a beautiful women I no longer want to be her like I found myself doing in my teens and 20s. I just feel more beautiful and sexy in every way at this point in my life and would never go back to my insecure 20s even if it meant perkier boobs and less wrinkles. Sounds like you are in the same place as well. Its a great feeling!

  • Reply
    Carissa
    August 25, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Amazing post, I’ve always had these thoughts in the back of my head, but always forget them whenever my green monster is at work. Celebrate beauty, everyone is beautiful in their own way.

  • Reply
    Jessica P
    August 25, 2012 at 3:03 am

    Just found your blog today and I already ran out to buy the Nude Nuances lipstick (found after searching at two different Walgreens). I have olive skin/yellow understones, brown eyes and brown hair. I am worried this color is too light for me but maybe I just need to add the liner and gloss you suggested. What do you think? Also could you do a tutorial for those of us with brown eyes? Thanks!

  • Reply
    Anita
    August 25, 2012 at 3:31 am

    This is such a great way to turn a negative around, I find myself picking at the small things because of my own jealousy issues, I will be trying to do this instead next time I feel this way.
    I have to say Cara I’m so loving your look, ever since i found your blog I’ve been obsessed! I have been gradually trying to lighten my hair for ages & seeing yours has made me want to go dark again, you are so stunning with dark hair and I feel a little jealousy coming on….. LOL

  • Reply
    Lizzy
    August 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    A-FREAKING-MEN!! That totally sums it up. Girls are MAJORLY jealous a lot of the time! I loved your post, very honest and truthful!!

  • Reply
    Brittany
    August 26, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    i think youre pretty!! And I like your personality. 🙂
    I think when we get jealous, part of us thinks “she’s all-together better than me.”
    But its all our own perspective..of who’s prettier or “better”
    I’ve realized it doesnt matter which girl is cooler than me. What’s “cool” is when I am just myself and I don’t try so hard. Just simply be me and enjoy life. Because me getting jealous of the next girl does no one good and it just tears myself down.

  • Reply
    Melinda
    August 26, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    What a great read!!! I completely appreciate your honesty! Reading this was so inspiring!!

  • Reply
    CaraLoren
    August 26, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    This is best post ever and you are soo darling!! Love it!

  • Reply
    Shannon
    August 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    love this post, and absolutely love your site, I read it religiously! I hate getting jealous, it always makes me feel so sick, and petty. As a married, fully hetero girl, I turn my jealousy into girl crushes. I “fall in love” with different ladies all the time, and brag about their strengths and point out their specific gorgeous qualities. Currently I am totally in love with Jennifer-Love-Hewit (from her Ghost Whisperer days), Kate Beckinsdale (ever single day), and you! When I first saw a pin from your site on pinterest a while back I was instantly jealous of you, I wouldn’t even look at your site! (so petty, and so embarrassing to admit) Now I can say I’m totally in love with you, and have read just about everything on here! Thanks so much for this post, you are wonderful, and gorgeous!

  • Reply
    Yewizzy
    August 27, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Love this..i struggle with jealousy sometimes and have jealousy and negativity thrown my way from people i consider friends.. I guess we learn to handle it better as time goes on..Thank you..xx

    http://www.shelovesthefinerthings.com/

  • Reply
    Cara
    August 28, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Thanks you guys for your comments! See what I am talking about? Girls are the BEST!

  • Reply
    Maegan
    August 28, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    Cara,
    I just found your blog yesterday and I have fallen in love! Its my newest internet obsession 🙂 Thank you so much for all the positivity, it brightens my day!!

  • Reply
    Cherise
    August 30, 2012 at 2:45 am

    You are amazing!! It’s SOO true! I love this post!! Thanks so much for sharing!

  • Reply
    kassy
    August 30, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Why are you so awesome? I think you are amazing! And I am totally on your team 😉

  • Reply
    erin McAdams
    August 31, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I was really surprised to read this post and hear that you struggled with jealousy. I had to check out her blog after I read this and….ok, not to take anything away from her ’cause she’s just trying to doing her thing, she’s pretty and takes lots of pictures of herself …. But dude, you are and your blog is seriously cool. You have a special kind of beauty. Even when you post pictures of yourself supposedly looking bad.

    But far more importantly, you have wit! You’re funny, likable and seem comfortable in your own skin. You feel like everyone’s favorite buddy to chill with. And you’re an amazing makeup artist and teacher.

    Don’t listen to that inner critic. You’re rad.

  • Reply
    Pauliina
    September 4, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Haha, Cara – you nailed it! Been following your blog for a while now (although you are sickningly beautiful) and this is my first time commenting. You just have it, I love the way you write and what you write about and I’m glad I’m on the team because I’ve had some great tips following you.
    Thank you!

  • Reply
    Dani
    September 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    I love this article. You are spot on and I think its so important to realize that we women are all on the same team. Jealousy happens to all of us but it’s important to remember not to hate eachother because we are all beautiful in our own way 😛

  • Reply
    Lindsey
    September 19, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    That’s hilarious because you were my Amber! When I first saw your blog, I thought “who’s this skinny lil gorgeous beeyatch? She mus be shallow.” (I’m so so sorry! I couldn’t have been more wrong!), but the more I read the more I realized you’re a normal girl just like the rest of us, and now I love you and your blog!!! I was so excited when I found out you were engaged. You’re absolutely right, it’s way better to root for other women and be excited for them than it is to judge them and tear them down. Thank you so much for this (and all) your wonderfully candid posts!

    • Reply
      Daniela
      November 17, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      In what I’ve seen/experienced, jealousy in a miaarrge, or any relationship, is part of a fear of the other person leaving you. I agree that personal responsibility and communication with your partner go a long way toward keeping jealousy out of a relationship, but some people seem to think that you’re setting yourself up to fail if you dont have at least a little distrust of your partner. That way if(when) they do cheat on you, you wont be completely devestated.That tends to cause its own problems Those who go looking for trouble will most certainly find it My wife and I have easy access to each others email, though neither of us really cares about reading each others correspondance. The only reason we even have extra, individual banking accounts is so we can surprise with gifts or splurge on something for ourselves without it affecting the family finances.I’d think you would want to have complete trust in a relationship. Yes, its terrible when that trust is broken, but the time with trust is far better than time wasted on jealousy.

  • Reply
    Emily
    September 30, 2012 at 4:35 am

    This is a great post!! Thank you!! What do you suggest when somebody is insecure and jealous of you??

  • Reply
    Shauna Fox
    September 30, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    …and this is why I’m subscribing to your blog….my first blog subscription ever. Great advice!

  • Reply
    Irais
    October 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Hi, I’m getting adict to your site, I found it at stumble. I loved this article and it talks about what a great person you are. I hope someday I can be like that because there are girls that I really don’t like hahahaha.
    And never think you are not pretty ok!

  • Reply
    Jill
    October 17, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    I just looked her up and I’m sorry but you are so much prettier, more real, genuine and your husband is way more handsome! You’ve got it going on! 🙂 I don’t mean to be rude but I love your blog! YOU are inspiring!

  • Reply
    Sheanna
    November 30, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    For the love of PETE this is fantastic!

    I may or may not be blog stalking you right now and going through nearly every post.

  • Reply
    Carissa @ Pretty/Hungry
    December 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I have gotten so into your blog! The makeup tutorials are fun, but I think that what keeps me coming back is the heart of the woman behind them. It is obvious that you don’t see outer beauty as the goal! Thanks for this post.

    It reminds me a lot of a book that I HIGHLY recommend to all women. “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore. It is phenomenal. And you (and she!) are right! Insecurity is the root of so many of our other problems, so we need to learn how to kick it! If you’re looking for a great read, you should get this book!

  • Reply
    Jade
    March 28, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Thanks for that!!

  • Reply
    catchingglimpsesphotography
    April 11, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    First of all, I love your blog, I just found it the other day and have been reading it (backwards(: ) and the tips are amazing. I’m a former makeup artist but I have learned so much from you, it makes me want to do it again! My own makeup has improved so keep it up girl!

    Secondly, this is a great post, and women everywhere need to hear it. I have a younger sister who is beautiful, funny, laid-back, I am mostly the opposite, I tend to get angry over little things and my family has always teased me about being moody, and laid back isn’t really a title you would give me most of the time. Over the years I have been incredibly jealous of my sister. To the point that I would just be mean to her for no reason at all. Ridiculous right? While I don’t think I’m the only one in the world who’s done it, it’s still petty and stupid. My parents always said that someday we would be best friends and I would get irritated and roll my eyes because there was NO WAY. We couldn’t get along at all, but it was all me. Finally I stomped on my pride and admitted to my sister that I was jealous of her. This was extremely hard to do but well worth it. In doing so I got that “little green monster’s” claws out of my back and it completely healed our relationship. AND here’s another thing that I didn’t expect out of this, she told me how jealous she was of me too! Blew my mind! We always see people at their best, so it’s easy to forget how human we all are. My best advice with jealousy is not only to admit it to yourself but to the person you’re jealous of. Great things happen! You are essentially giving them a complement (it feels good to be the object of someone’s jealousy, does it not?) and usually there is something about you that they totally wish they had and coveted as well, so very likely you’ll get complimented as well. And what woman doesn’t like compliments!? It is one of the most healing things I’ve done yet in my life.

    Sorry I’ve rambled on so much but I LOVE your post and just wanted to share! Keep up the great work on the blog, it totally rocks! 🙂 And here’s a compliment for you too, you are soooo beautiful!

  • Reply
    Sara
    July 6, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I found your blog today, and I am already a total addict. This post is so perfect and germane, and I think if it were required reading for all women on a weekly basis, we would all be a lot more excellent to each other. LOVE you for this. Oh, and for your salt spray recipe. But for this more. Thank you and keep it up.

  • Reply
    Tiffany
    November 1, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    I love this. I used to be jealous when a beautiful girl would walk by my guy. After years of this tearing me up inside, I now am at the point where I appreciate beauty instead of being threatened by it. I also must add, so many pretty girls have nasty attitudes, which makes them hideous.

    I checked out the blond babes blog. She’s gorgeous, like she’s a model type right? That’s cool. But while I loved her blog, I have to be honest and tell you I never read blogs, they seem narcissistic and dull. But I found yours, and was attracted to it s “soul”‘if that makes sense. There is an openness and realness to you and these pages, that is rarely found anywhere. Thank you Cara. I think you’re a pretty special lady, inside and out. All my best. xxo

  • Reply
    Boni
    February 12, 2014 at 1:36 am

    My dear Cara, while I think blonde babe is cute, I don’t see why you would feel jealous. She isn’t prettier than you, in my opinion, not that it matters to what degree a person is beautiful and according to whom. I in no way intend that to be mean or judgmental of her. There are and will always be beautiful women (and men!) in the world. You are among them. So is she. No one person will ever be the “prettiest”, as there really is no such thing. People’s opinions vary hugely in what is considered beautiful. Just know that you are beautiful and it matters not what any one person thinks. We can’t change what someone else thinks or sees. Blonde babe being beautiful can’t take away your beauty that you already have, and vice versa. Another woman’s beauty doesn’t take away from your own. In essence we are all each of us the most beautiful. And just because, for instance, someone out there, or yourself even, may not see your beauty (or mine) doesn’t change the fact that you are beautiful. Someone disagreeing doesn’t make it so. You are beautiful and God gave you this beauty. It’s a gift and also a learning experience for ourselves and for other people. Don’t waste your youth or time feeling less than you are. Learn this truth now and you will only admire another’s beauty instead of envying it when there is no need to do so. Ever. Literally never. It’s ok that there are other beautiful people in the world. It doesn’t and can’t diminish you. It’s ok that you’re beautiful, too. Being your most beautiful is all the beautiful you will ever need to be. Your light can’t ever be dimmed. There is no dimmer switch, my dearest Cara. Appreciate the beauty you find in others and acknowledge the beauty that is uniquely you, inside and out. It’s always there. It’s not going anywhere. You have a beautiful soul that shines through that ups your beauty quotient as well! A beautiful soul can’t be beat. One of my older sisters tells me over and over that I light up a room when I walk in to it. That is the best compliment I could ever have or want. An organic compliment that stems from my actual being. So you have that going on for you from what I see and the things you say and share about yourself. So like I said being your most beautiful is all the beautiful you will ever need to be.

  • Reply
    Boni
    May 28, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Miss Cara, and all of her lovely supportive readers, have you ever seen a website called “Upworthy”?? If not, I highly recommend that you check it out. Today I was looking at videos involving and discussing women’s beauty and the media. It can really help you to see and find the beauty you already have and are. It has many uplifting messages and stories locally and from around the world and helping to change the world in attitude and action in a lot of important areas. So take a look!! It’s really quite great.

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